I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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