Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
