She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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