how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Even my vagina gasped.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
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