He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
