DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
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Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
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Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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