Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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