then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
