Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think I died a long time ago.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
