Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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