it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
