what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
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I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
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Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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