Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
