I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wish my penis had a tongue
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
