I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
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gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
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we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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