Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
