he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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