Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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