I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
