just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
