whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
