I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
