my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
