turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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