i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
