Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize