i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
