I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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