checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
