That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
