What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
