I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
