Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
