you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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