I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
