he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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