i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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