Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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