Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
