Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
