i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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