Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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