I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
