Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
