I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
