On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
