I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
