I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
