He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
