dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
