Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
