My liver just broke up with me...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
