remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
