I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
