today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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